The nature of greed
There is no way to write this, except in the first person. This is my personal ephipany about how quickly and strongly greed can enter the heart.
My first semester of my M.B.A. I got swine flu. Another story for another time, the end result was my doctor literally quarantined me for 4 days. After that I was so weak for the next couple weeks I could barely walk up stairs.
Compound that with my first set of mid-terms and I got something like a 72% in my graduate level statistics class. The problem here is that for grades to count for both of my degrees I needed and 80.0% in every class.
Come the end of the semester and I find myself needing a high score to counterbalance the mid-term. Not only that but the class had gone past my ability to understand the material. I was still, semi, competent at doing the work, though understanding was….lacking.
I take the final and have, in the most literal sense, NO IDEA how I did.
Now here comes the lesson.
Normally I could care less what my grades were. If I wanted the benefit of good grades I would have gone to USC, become anti-social, and not have gone for the combined degrees nor the extra-curriculars I was involved in. - To this day when people ask me what I placed in the class I instantly know they are thinking about my skills and desires incorrectly. Another topic for another time.
This is how I found myself in a position I’ve only ever seen other people in before: 1), I know when the grades are coming out, 2) I know how to check my grades, and 3) I’m sitting in a place with good wifi clicking refresh like a madman.
I am telling myself “please please just and 80.0%, all I want is an 80.0%, just make me happy with an 80.0%”
Refresh….nothing...still waiting and hoping for an 80.0%...wait...sweat...wait...please please please.
89.8% -----> “OH F&*K, I SHOULDA’ GOT AN ‘A’”
…. It took less than a second for someone who, admittedly doesn’t care about grades and only wants a grade because of the repercussions to go from just wanting a bare minimum to feeling cheated because I was soooo close to the next level.
That is how fast greed can enter your (my) heart.
I should have been focusing on a true definition of success and been happy when I reached it.